Yeah. It’s one of those days, I guess, though I feel like all I need to do is decide it isn’t and my day will pick up. I feel like I’m tired of work, tired of thinking, tired of planning, tired of doing.
And I’m also feeling lonely. I listed to the mix CD that Steeny sent me for my birthday last year, and it made me really homesick. Or maybe timesick, if that’s possible. There’s this freedom of movement and being that my life has had in only fits and starts since I left Seattle to go to college. Exceptions being the very last of my time in LA and roadtrip to MIT… but otherwise I feel like my life is used up in minutia and jostling for security. It makes me wonder, at what point does responsibility bring diminishing returns? And at what point does responsibility overtake my ability to relax and enjoy the fruits of my labors? I’ve never been the type of person that is able to relax while skirting my reponsibilities either, so I’m not sure there’s a win to be had. I don’t know what makes a person as high strung or meticulous as I am, so there’s really no getting around it, but it does strain my heart some times.
It saddens me to find myself daydreaming about hopping in my car and screwing around in Federal Way with my friends, only to realize that I gave that life up in the name of ambition. Ambition is not all flowers, all fun, all successful. On nights when school seems hard, when my advisors are being difficult, when my projects aren’t taking off, my papers aren’t flowing… on these nights, the trade-off seems dubious. Did I give up all my friends and lazy good times for this ephemeral, ill-defined, completely unattainable… something? It’s odd, I feel as though by my own 8-years-ago measure I’m more successful than I ever thought I would be. I have everything I wanted (and indeed, want): a successful education, a wonderful husband, a happy family life, a nice place to live, and I’m getting my doctorate… which always makes me feel like a whiner. Or an Icharis-like fool.
So I’m spending my Monday night, my holiday night, watching television I couldn’t care less about. And trying really hard not to think about the b-level work I could be doing instead.