Shine On
I had a crew once. You know, multiple people who all mutually enjoyed hanging out with each other. Do you think you outgrow these? Or did I just leave mine behind? Can you find new ones? And do I even want a new crew? I’ve always been awkwardly self sufficient.
I’ve been getting some flack from people around here about being out of touch, not in contact enough. I was doing dishes tonight and suddenly felt lonely. And I called my sister, and felt better. I realized this: I very rarely get lonely enough to reach out. I’m much more apt to keep myself busy and not lean on others because it feels like my troubles are my own troubles, which will go away in time, and no one else can fix. There’s always one exception to this – there’s always one person and one person only I really want to help me. It was Ban. Then Steen. Cerise. Steen again! Tiff. Jess. Armand. Darin. And now that I’m married, Lewis fills this spot permanently. It’s not that my other friends were less loved or less appreciated or less needed, even. Just that I seem to be only able to be really open with one person at a time. And other than that, I’ve always been the one to receive calls from my friends who need someone to talk to – not the one who makes them. I don’t want to be that person. Which leaves me with what I’ve got – I miss having people close enough to me that I would call them just to say hi, and see what’s going on today. I just don’t think there’s a way to forge these friendships without crisis.
I’ve only had three real crews – the Band, the YSIB set (of which I was more of a hanger-on), and my Russkiis. The Band and the Russkiis both are formed out of tough times – friends from new schools, teenage years, learning to grow up together, to live life together. I’m not in the market for someone to help me grow up – I have Lewis who is my partner in everything and is the only person I need or want to grow old with. I suppose grad school is potentially one of those times we should all be super-bonding, but grad school is full of self-driven, independent, serious folks. We only got where we are by not needing our hand being held. It does not really breed people who need people.
Every day feels like I’m reading the preamble to the text of my life. And that preamble tells me so much about myself, and so little that has any application to my life. So I’m ready to admit I’ve always played as well alone as with others, and that most times playing alone is less stressful because you’ve got no one else to please. My friends will still always be bothered that I don’t call out of the blue. I’m honest to goodness not ignoring anyone, I just have a very high threshold for a need for human contact. I fully acknowledge this might perpetuate this lack of friend cohesion…