Ugh
Yoga. So tired. Sadly more grumpy than relaxed. Going to bed now. Section tomorrow at 9. Then a long, but hopefully relaxing day?
Posts tagged grumpy
To/towards
I don’t know if it’s because it’s midterms week, or if I’m just getting lazy and taciturn, but I haven’t been doing a great job at the nightly blogging lately. I really just don’t feel like I’ve got much to say. But I guess a few things have happened. Better go list format.
The Good:
- I got new glasses today!
- Had a nice post-lunch lunch with my sweetie
- Got my performance reviews from my students last quarter, and they’re fantastic
- Think I have my classes figured out for next quarter
- Had a dream I was helping Eddie Vedder garden?
- Also had a dream Hilary Clinton was my mom and we were moving into the white house?
- Only missed half a point on my neuroimaging midterm
- Managed to cook a bit, vacuumed, and ironed!
The Other-than-Good:
- Feeling really grumpy lately
- Had a crap meeting with my research advisor wherein he didn’t listen to anything I said and tried to solve the problem I presented him with by using my exact same non-working solution and apparently not noticing…
- Dentist appointment tomorrow
- Quechua midterm on Monday…
- Semantics presentation coming up which I’m pretty nervous about (as in, I know nothing about the subject I’m presenting on and the readings suggested are aggrivatingly quatralingual (read: incomprehensible))
- Spent a thousand years trying to figure out what courses to take; still waiting for a professor to return my email…
- Mostly just grumpiness!
Yeah, so… that’s life. Rambling along like usual, feeling like I’m stuck in slow motion and I’m not getting anything done. I’m getting pleanty done. I think last quarter was way more work than perhaps your average quarter, and thus I am now feeling aimless and deflated and underworked. It seems ridiculous that being in grad school could be underworking me, but there you go.
Humph
This is me, being cranky about classes. I’m waiting for a professor to email me back and maybe okay a bit of a change of courses for this quarter. I think this would make me feel less cranky. I just feel really uninspired so far, and like I’m wasting a lot of my time. Though to be fair, I’ve only had half my classes so far. Anyway. I’m feeling rather strung out and not at all ready to run around this linguistics conference all weekend. But I know once I get there, I’ll be happy to see everybody, and it’ll be a fun adventure. And until then… I think I’d better go to bed and hope for a better day tomorrow.
Let’s Drop the Big One Now
Last of the holiday parties today, which went off pretty well. Always nice to see those folks, though lately I feel like I’ve been failing at hanging out properly. I don’t know quite what it is, but I feel like I’m having a really hard time opening up to or feeling close to anyone but Lewis and my sister. I’m not sure if it’s expecting too much of people, but there’s a familiar place in my mind that I feel like I spent much of high school and such in – the place where I know that no one cares what I do, say, or think, so I’m really better off not doing or saying anything. I’ve grown to realize that this actually makes me a very difficult conversationalist and only serves to make people actually not enjoy talking to me or being around me, and that all just makes it feed on itself. And somewhere deep down I don’t think it’s as serious as all that, nor should it be terribly important whether my acquaintances have some sort of personal investment in my life. They shouldn’t, and I should be more okay with talking about myself and about the world with people who are only temporary figures in my life. I’m not sure what drives me to be taciturn at times and not at others, but I guess I’m in one of those slumps, and I’ll surely have to get over it.
Right now, my heart just feels a little cold and inaccessible. I’m in need of joy, and release. Relaxation. Something of this order which gets me either out of my own murky head. Though school will thrust me back into the all-too-clear present, which is another good place to be. It’s as though I either need to be thinking far more deeply about something, or far less. I wish it were easier to pinpoint what it is that’s on my mind, that makes me feel so isolated and preoccupied. Going through life feeling like there’s something wrong about my life that I just can’t quite put my finger on is a little maddening, and a little depressing, and all this failed introspection doesn’t help the situation whatsoever. Maybe all I want is to know where I’m going in life, and that I’m not making huge mistakes with my education and career and life plan. I can’t count the number of times my idling brain has pulled me out of school so that I can work a steady 9-to-5 while Lewis gets his PhD and I recede into the tried-and-true working woman and mom combo. And then the though of myself as a mom makes me temporarily sick and a little angry that the next stage in my life might be something that seems so unfulfilling and that I haven’t figured out yet how to raise children to feel loved and cared for and stable. Everything about the future is simultaneously promising and frustrating. I know I’m only 25 and I’m not supposed to have the answers, but it feels like until now that I’ve had a plan, and now my plan is so nebulous and quixotic.
Sigh. I have another one of these dually unachievable plans in place for tomorrow. I both want to get a bunch of tidy chores done – taking down the Christmas tree and getting some errands run – and to throw myself to the winds and somehow have an life affirming adventure that unwinds me. Every day feels like this. With any luck, I’ll at least sleep well.
Ups and Downs
It’s been a tumultuous day. Got up late, again, which is something that I’d like to stop doing. The Olympics really threw my schedule off and now that I don’t need to stay up to midnight or later I’d like to get back in the habit of getting up early. It’s especially nice to be up in the wee hours in Davis cause you get more time during the not-so-hot parts of the day. I think it was 105 today. Blech. Anyway.
I’ve been on a smoothie kick ever since moving here. I’m not sure if it’s because fresh fruit is the one thing we always seem to have at hand, or if it’s because Davis weather is really conducive to cold liquid refreshment. Either way, I see no end in sight. So I started my day with a smoothie, per usual. Didn’t have any big plans (also a poor way to start the day when you’re as plan-centric as I am) so I wandered around for a while deciding what to do with myself and decided I’d set up my workstation in the garage. I’ve been wanting to build a Craft-style workspace where I can do dirty DIY things in my garage and make silly stuff. So I’ve got a spot all picked out, and I’m going to use our old prep table from El Cerrito… but the garage has been too messy to do it so far. I moved a few pieces of furniture today, but by then it was already hot out and hanging out in the garage seemed less fun than planned. I mowed the lawn instead.
That was pretty much the height of my day. Made lunch after that (shout out to Annie’s mac & cheese should probably go here) and then spent a significant portion of my afternoon finishing up my CD project. Think I’ve got all the pertinent cds in my computer now! Not sure how I lost a few of them in the first place, but all these multi-computer file transfers (of 7000 files no less) just always seem to spring leaks. Anyway, crisis averted, Pearl Jam collection restored, duplicates erased, and all is well. Even got several albums ripped that I had been meaning to do for some time. Sons of the Pioneers, here I come!
After that I sank a bit, feeling despondent about our impending housewarming party. I’ve been too tired and too uninspired to do anything to prepare, but after Lewis and I talked it out I think I’m back on the horse. Gonna make a bunch of tasty tea sandwiches and minimuffins. Num. So I spent the last few hours going over recipes and preparing for a grocery trip tomorrow. It’s kind of nice to be at the Co-op every other day or every three or so. But it does make me feel like I’m just shoving money in my mouth all day. Where does all this food go? (Answer: smoothies).
Anyway, I’m trying to make it to be before midnight so I’d better cut myself off here. Lots of chores to do tomorrow — going to UCD to sign more paperwork and finally finish signing up for classes! And then shopping, prepping, cleaning, all that. Good stuff. Hopefully getting up early will put me on the right side of the bed this time!
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